The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov/. It's another attempt
at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after
WWII.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could
mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.
If you have
set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot
terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell
really loud.
If you spot
a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think
about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way
to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand.
Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes,
run the fuck away.
Hurricanes,
animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about
it.
Be on the
lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their
hands together manically.
If a door
is closed, karate chop it open.
If your
building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be
rescued.
Try to absorb as
much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and
12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After
exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to
gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've
become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window.
No one wants to see that shit.
-- If you hear
the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner
or run like hell.
If your lungs and
stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they
stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by
not farting.
If you lose
a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for
it.
Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding
from the hood.
A one-inch
thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist
attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you
die.